Funny English Jokes

The First One

A man calls home from work and a strange woman answers. 
The man says, "Who is this?" 
"This is the maid," answers the woman. 
"We don't have a maid," says the man. 
The woman says, "I was hired this morning by the lady of the house." 
The man says, "Well, this is her husband. Is she there?" 
The woman replies, "She is upstairs in the bedroom with someone who I figured was her husband." 
The man is fuming and says to the maid, "Listen, would you like to make $50,000?" 
The maid says, "What will I have to do?" 
The man tells her, "I want you to get my gun from the desk, and shoot the witch and the jerk she's with." 
The maid puts the phone down; the man hears footsteps and then two gun shots. 
The maid comes back to the phone 
"What do I do with the bodies?" 
The man says, "Throw them in the swimming pool." 
Puzzled, the maid answers, "But you don't have a pool." A long pause and the man says, "Is this 394-5309?"

The Second One

stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon."
She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

The Third One

One day, a wife goes up to her husband and asks for twenty dollars to buy meat. 
"Are you crazy?" says the husband, who pulls her over to a mirror. "Let me show you something? This twenty-dollar bill is mine. The one in the mirror is yours. Get it?" The wife nods. The next day, the husband returns home to find a freezer full of meat. Angry, he asks his wife about it. She pulls him over to the mirror and lifts up her skirt. "See the one in the mirror? That's yours. This one is the butcher's."

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